You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
