I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
