You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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