Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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