i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
