omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
