The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
