trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
