You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
