Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
