If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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