It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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