I CAN MOONWALK!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
