my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
