only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
