This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
