Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
