dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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