got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
