just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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