just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
