I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
