She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm too high and old for this...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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