I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
