when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
