I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
