Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
