when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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