He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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