I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
