Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
