So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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