Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
