it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
