Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
