I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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