mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
