Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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