The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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