Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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