My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
