you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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