Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
