captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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