I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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