Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
