I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
