woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
