1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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