I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
