You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
