he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
