when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
