I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
